Pieces of me .....

The first rule of philosophy is "know thyself"
I'm sure there are several stages to this process maybe its never ending.
years and years ago I sat down to look back on who I was and all the things that made me.

The truth is found in the beginning.
Thomas Moore will describe this as kind of taking a flashlight back into your past and finding the positive outcome of all those things you suffered through, whined about and tripped over as a kid.
guess it starts at.....
I was born!
A teenage accident and raised by grandparents with an extra set thrown in.
So really I had 6 parents in total, all very different people.
I reckon this is one reason I developed into an "INFJ".
I was amazed recently to find several of my idols classed in this group... and a common thing with this type people is they had no set standard to model themselves after.
They say the foundation of a person is set by age 3 .....
My fathers family are Italian immigrants who don't speak English.
You would think I could speak some Italian now... but I can't.
because no attempt was ever made to communicate verbally between me and them, a kind of "6th sense" was used, eye contact, motions, observation on my part etc......... I just learned to "know" what was going on, what was wanted or being said.
Their home was a safe place, full of sights, smells, touch and hidden magic.
They were amazing people with an incredible story. I have nothing but beautiful memories of them. Here is also where I get my bond and connection to immigrants - being able to listen to and understand someone without the proper words - is a both a gift to give and skill to be used.
I spent most of my time with grandFATHERS ...... My mothers father in particular. Always the teacher ..... he had his own successful advertising firm and I was always his date and sidekick to the city for meetings and business dinners. I think is this why I have no fear of authority or men. I grew up playing on the porch with the big dogs, listening to them ................ in my head I was just one of them and no one ever told me or made me feel I wasn't. He was also a lover of history .... full of WW stories!! ...........................with a million books of ships, planes and heros lying around. He had friends at the airport who would sometimes call for me to come see .............. believe it or not once I saw a cargo of kangaroos in transport to some zoo.
I also lived inside an entirely adult world - meaning there were no other kids to play with at all ...... so you can imagine the troubles I faced when starting school - in a "what is wrong with all you people?" kind of way.
Though the women I've know have really been more the example of what NOT to be ....
there were 2 I looked up to.
both of them were elementary school teachers.
1 was crazy aunt teddy ...... talk about eccentrics .........
and my step grandma Nelly. she took me everywhere. without her I would of had no real childhood at all. She also made me work for everything even when I didn't ask for it..... she even volunteered me out to the neighborhood ....
She came into my life when my mother married, and some one decided it would be a good idea if I lived with my parents now.
And I soon became the oldest of 6.
So basically at age 7 .... my entire world flipped.
I went from no other children to - no adults, and people just started handing me kids ...... their own, their friends, cousins, the neighbors, entire T-ball teams ..........
And I was responsible for everything and everyone.
People now will sometimes mistake my personality for childish, or immature.
But they are way wrong ....... I had to learn how to control all these kids!!
Force might have been someone else's choice, but I got in trouble for that too !!
so I had to find a way to make them WANT to listen to me.
Part of that meant becoming one of them as a playmate.
There is more than one way to be a leader.
I grew very protective, to see anyone or anything being hurt or put into danger, instinct kicks in and I step up.
I also had to stand up for myself and be responsible for me.
Really it was sooo unsupervised I can't believe I survived at all and I thank GOD!! nothing serious ever happened to anyone.
I can just imagine had someone drowned or something horrible "I" would be blamed for the rest of my life ....... even if I was 9 at the time.

I changed schools 4 times too so I could never keep up.... and anytime I asked for help I got that wonderful pat on the back I love so much.
But I'm glad now, maybe I would have never started learning on my own.
And I guess thats also why I don't feel being one of the popular kids is all that important.
Well I had no intention of writing out my life story here .....
skipping over the really bad parts ........ this past is very past ...... long over - dealt with, forgiven and forgotten.
Today I am thankful for every second of it, cause I like the person I am very much.
The moving on and letting go process is where you learn and part of who you will "become".
I'm in new phase now and needing that flashlight again.......... to go back and realize what I accomplished instead of what I have lost and remember what I learned there.
I have often joked I seem to be living life in reverse .......
I was born an adult and not regressed in anyway but grew into a free spirited child.
still responsible, and I'm no hippie.
It wasn't easy either, it took hard actual work, inner strength, will, patience and practice.
You see there is a big difference between people who read or learn stuff and those who actually apply wisdom, and gain self control.
I have learned mostly from others what not to be!
more what I do not want.
what works and what doesn't.
Sitting here with the lights on again, I feel no need or reason to write out all I have achieved for anyone to read.
there is proof! .... even if its only for me , to remember, and bring into the future.
I know me, and I think thats all that matters right now.

While out and about exploring yesterday, I somehow ended up drinking wine while sitting in on a songwriters meeting at some eccentric millionaires east village apartment. (don't ask)
Anyway it was on the ninth floor of one of those old NYC tenant buildings.... tight winding staircase... narrow hallways, bathtub in the kitchen. Very bohemian.
The room was set up with mis matched chairs circled around a small sofa held up by stacks of magazines....lol
On the walls were hung photos of the hosts musical career and some of his personal influences.
Yates was the only one I recognized.
The group was mixed ... from old to just out of high school looking, male, female, a couple geek types and a even a cowboy.
Though I don't claim to have any musical talents myself, for some reason I always seem to attract musicians as friends .... and it's not like "I" seek them out, but they find me?
So after a few hours of conversation and wine, an acoustic guitar was passed around for each to share what ever song they had been working on. I have to admit I thought it was gonna be a just for fun "jam session" but turned out, they were all professionals and very serious and talented song writers , it was actually more like a support group, kind of where they offered/ asked for ideas and critiques.
Watching and listening to them play and exchange ideas, really took me back to my art days.
You could just see in their eyes the dedication and love they had for what they were doing.
Same as every artist, performer or designer I have ever know .... even some of the cooks.
I envy people blessed with a single obsession.
Though ability lead me to art school ..... there I learned I'm not an artist :(
and not for lack of creativity, talent or ambition.
It's my obsession lies elsewhere.
Out there in the world.
Personally I have very traditional values and ideas with set moral standards
( for myself at least ) and I've always been the "responsible" type.
Which doesn't mean I am afraid to take risks.
Why is everyone else?
I don't want to own a home.
I don't care if I am in style.
I don't need "things" to be happy.
Honestly I don't even care if I have friends
I'm sorry I'm not like others,
other girls, other people ......
It's not my fault

I've been sittin' here
Tryin' to find myself
I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself
Lookin' for the payback
Listen for the playback

They say that every man bleeds just like me

And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line

Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds

I guess that's the price you pay

Still I can't find love



People don't know bout the things I say and do
They don't understand the shit that I've been through

Maybe I forgot all the things I've missed
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving!
.......... just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that there line!
So I think I'll keep on walking,
I'll keep moving on
and only God knows why